Before

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

It’s not just I this love first touches

But this city, this country, this Earth-

For God has blessed us with a purpose

To reveal real love’s rebirth.

I think of great men sent to change us

When the world has fallen down-

& conceive it is through their suffering,

That change is eventually found.

Devastating as this truth may be

Despairing we face the cost-

For you and I were sent to teach

A generation where love is lost.

Stronger than the mountain Ox,

Deeper than Mariana’s trench,

This love will cause the lost to flock

As their thirst for love is quenched.

I will always be beside you love

Through the struggle & the glory-

For I was created from your rib

To tell the world this story.

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

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True Love Waits

I don’t really know where to start. How to begin…

My life has been a fairy tale for the past ten months. I have finally found that elusive “true love.” The love I had always believed existed, even when experience after experience tried to tell me otherwise. It is true, that when you find your Mr/ Ms “Right” everything falls into place with ease. There is no stress, no hurt, no hot and cold, no other girls or other guys or blurred lines, just you and your other half in a peaceful bliss that lasts from the moment you wake, to the minute you fall asleep in each others arms. It feels almost as if you’re living in a special bubble, saved for the extra lucky ones. As if you finally know the secret that so many are still trying to figure out, but just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life finds a way to paralyze you..

My love and I were separated on Monday for two years. Not by choice or for any positive reason, but rather purely down to injustice. It is day three of my two year stint without him and I feel lost, somewhere between devastation and survival instinct. How do you keep going when your happy normal life is snatched away? How do you persist when everything has changed so rapidly, so completely without your control, without hope.

I have so many fears.. what if the separation somehow undoes our bond? Is that possible, even if we love each other so completely? I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a black hole, facing into two years of loneliness and faded memories. I have heard and read about endless long distance relationships, contemplated the times when men went to war, or to work abroad, leaving their loved ones behind and some of those made it through. Some of them.

We both believe that we are meant for each other, and since I was a child I’ve heard the cliche that “love can conquer anything” is it really true? Please let it be true. I’ll never stop trying, not even if he comes back a changed man, because time does change us right? Or can love keep us the same?

My faith is dwindling with this newly awful experience… if there is a God, we need him now.

Funny, just as I finished the above last lines I searched for images to use in this post, with the term “true love.” The first one that appeared out of millions was this…

true-love-waits

“The funny thing about forever, is it comes with a side of never, never.”

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I was dreaming of another world where words were true and hearts were truer. A time when all that was said was meant and all that was promised, became. This is not a place like that. Life is transient and flows like the river, ever rippling and changing with the currents of those we meet and lose. I lost him long before I knew, long before I cared to admit, but the miracle of our condition is that,

 

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love has a way of renewing your heart in an instant, giving it a purpose and longing so strong it seems as though it has never been broken. His renewal came before the pieces of my heart had reached the ground and my soul shook, quivered quiet in a corner as I learned of my loves transgression to unrequited…

Now I wish him love. I wish him joy and a deep resonating peace, one which he did not give me nor me him.

This is the point of no return as burning hearts refuse to be warned, and each of ours will burn with new love tonight. 

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As painful as this chapter of my life has been I am grateful for the gathered knowledge that no matter how excruciating, how nonsensical it seems in the moment, God’s plan is always right on track. I have been bruised and I have been broken and I have returned here with invigorated faith, we say goodbye to say hello

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How long is too long?

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I’m so confused today.. How long do you hold on to old love before it becomes unrequited? I’m not crying anymore, I’m finally living for more minutes in the day than I am existing, but I am not without my wounds. My heart was always so sure, so believing that time would heal us and a love like this would not, could not, be disintegrated by time distance or anything else. But my heart no longer feels safe in the knowledge of his. It feels like a lone soldier left alone to fight a war that all others have long left and given up the cause for. What if I am the only one still fighting? Letting new love pass me by in commitment to an old one that I may be the only one left feeling? How long is too long? And does believing simply make me a romantic fool or one of the last people left to stand by what is true to them? His words slowly became colder until there were none at all, my eyes have opened to the fact that our relationship was not without his flaws as well as mine, and yet I still can’t lose that last ounce of hope. 

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Hope, how do I begin again with a hope for something lost? How do I live my life in limbo between an imagined future and a real one? I’m single, over six months single, and yet the prospect of dating makes me feel like I’m tempting the fate of a future that I’m not even sure both parties needed, want! And what if I do give up? Let another who promises me the world show me it? Watch myself fall terrified back into co dependency. Waiting by the phone, being disappointed, giving all and receiving less, feeling my mood depend on how someone else treats me each day. Is that even possible? To love and love? To feel old love and new love coexist in a broken heart?

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A close friend told me the only way to ground yourself in this unforgiving world is to keep coming back to your “bottom line.” Bottom line, I want to find myself and achieve all I mentioned in the last post, I want my focus to be me. Will my heart catch on? Or are lines only possible in your head?

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Keeping the Faith

I don’t want this to turn into a blog about love, but love is where I am right now. Consumed entirely by my hearts yearning for his return. Anyone who has experienced a separation from a loved one (I still can’t call it a break up) knows that the mornings and the nights are the worst.

When I manage to sleep, I wake before dawn and each time my consciousness returns its like the first time, realising the other side of the bed is cold and absent of any signs of life. I lie there in the dark, alone, remembering he’s gone and feeling the pain settle in for another endless day. My exhausted mind starts to race as I check the time and imagine his morning routine, imagine being a part of it once more.

My nights are spent similarly, lying awake longing for him or walking the house mindlessly. On the best nights my exhaustion gives in to sleep, on all others each hour passes with the heightened loneliness of a dark room in winter and an empty pillow to my left.

Day time is a not so lucky dip of despair, complete with tears and racing pulse, or absolute numbness, the result of a lack of sleep and the helpless truth of my inability to bring him back, unless he wants to.

It all hurts. Every breath, every small step and yet I have no choice. Perhaps that is the most excruciating part, all words, all expressions of love, all statements of adoration fall flat until, no, if ever, he is willing to pull me into his arms and call me his love again.

It has been two months, one week and two days and I have felt every second but no matter how much agony I experience my heart is nowhere near letting go. I found this quote during idle browsing, “The best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. For as gold is tested in fire, love will be perfected in pain.” (Marvin Jay M. Torres)

Maybe I’m prolonging the suffering, maybe I’m a fool to hold on to hope, but he seems the only love I have ever known and despite our problems in the past, perhaps this separation is solving the last of them? We have grown up together and come through more than most, what if we have finally reached the end of the proverbial tunnel, and all that is left, is to bask in the light? But is love really perfected in pain? Somehow that idea seems wrong?