True Love Waits

I don’t really know where to start. How to begin…

My life has been a fairy tale for the past ten months. I have finally found that elusive “true love.” The love I had always believed existed, even when experience after experience tried to tell me otherwise. It is true, that when you find your Mr/ Ms “Right” everything falls into place with ease. There is no stress, no hurt, no hot and cold, no other girls or other guys or blurred lines, just you and your other half in a peaceful bliss that lasts from the moment you wake, to the minute you fall asleep in each others arms. It feels almost as if you’re living in a special bubble, saved for the extra lucky ones. As if you finally know the secret that so many are still trying to figure out, but just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life finds a way to paralyze you..

My love and I were separated on Monday for two years. Not by choice or for any positive reason, but rather purely down to injustice. It is day three of my two year stint without him and I feel lost, somewhere between devastation and survival instinct. How do you keep going when your happy normal life is snatched away? How do you persist when everything has changed so rapidly, so completely without your control, without hope.

I have so many fears.. what if the separation somehow undoes our bond? Is that possible, even if we love each other so completely? I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a black hole, facing into two years of loneliness and faded memories. I have heard and read about endless long distance relationships, contemplated the times when men went to war, or to work abroad, leaving their loved ones behind and some of those made it through. Some of them.

We both believe that we are meant for each other, and since I was a child I’ve heard the cliche that “love can conquer anything” is it really true? Please let it be true. I’ll never stop trying, not even if he comes back a changed man, because time does change us right? Or can love keep us the same?

My faith is dwindling with this newly awful experience… if there is a God, we need him now.

Funny, just as I finished the above last lines I searched for images to use in this post, with the term “true love.” The first one that appeared out of millions was this…

true-love-waits

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Keeping the Faith

I don’t want this to turn into a blog about love, but love is where I am right now. Consumed entirely by my hearts yearning for his return. Anyone who has experienced a separation from a loved one (I still can’t call it a break up) knows that the mornings and the nights are the worst.

When I manage to sleep, I wake before dawn and each time my consciousness returns its like the first time, realising the other side of the bed is cold and absent of any signs of life. I lie there in the dark, alone, remembering he’s gone and feeling the pain settle in for another endless day. My exhausted mind starts to race as I check the time and imagine his morning routine, imagine being a part of it once more.

My nights are spent similarly, lying awake longing for him or walking the house mindlessly. On the best nights my exhaustion gives in to sleep, on all others each hour passes with the heightened loneliness of a dark room in winter and an empty pillow to my left.

Day time is a not so lucky dip of despair, complete with tears and racing pulse, or absolute numbness, the result of a lack of sleep and the helpless truth of my inability to bring him back, unless he wants to.

It all hurts. Every breath, every small step and yet I have no choice. Perhaps that is the most excruciating part, all words, all expressions of love, all statements of adoration fall flat until, no, if ever, he is willing to pull me into his arms and call me his love again.

It has been two months, one week and two days and I have felt every second but no matter how much agony I experience my heart is nowhere near letting go. I found this quote during idle browsing, “The best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. For as gold is tested in fire, love will be perfected in pain.” (Marvin Jay M. Torres)

Maybe I’m prolonging the suffering, maybe I’m a fool to hold on to hope, but he seems the only love I have ever known and despite our problems in the past, perhaps this separation is solving the last of them? We have grown up together and come through more than most, what if we have finally reached the end of the proverbial tunnel, and all that is left, is to bask in the light? But is love really perfected in pain? Somehow that idea seems wrong?

A year apart…..

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It’s been two months since he left and I feel no less “in love.” My stomach heaves at the sight of every morning sun, my eyes open groggy and sore still weeping with last nights tears, and a residing ache sits deep in my chest… where my heart used to be.

Yesterday we met. As I opened the door to his beautiful face and we stood eye to burning eye neither of us could help but smile, there it was, the golden chord of love, still taught between us. He came in and we embraced unable to ignore our screaming hearts, tears escaped the depth of me and flooded my face, so much feeling to express, to give, in one moment.

I am a poet at heart, hyper sensitive, prone to deep depressions and all too gullible to life’s cruelties. This, of course, has created much trauma in our relationship to date. For almost four years, he has battled my self doubt, even rebelled against it becoming distant only to fuel the fire more, and returned full circle to selfless love again. We have both made mistakes but my strong heart meant his caused more pain than they should and my descent into paranoia and lack of self worth exploded in an array of self destructive behaviour.

With this in mind, as we sat hand in hand he told me of his inability to go through anymore pain, he assured me he loves me as I do him. A love so transcendental or obsessive that it defies mere logic or reason, a love that before this moment had withstood more than most (if any) could handle, but one that was plagued by unresolved personal issues.

As I despaired that he had cut the chord for good and our love had finally failed us, he explained that he was not gone but healing. That in order to reach the great future and beautiful plans we both envision be it together or apart, there is left only one route, personal development. We have all heard the expression “you must love yourself before you can love another” and for me this has always been nonsensical. I DO love another and I have never focused on myself. At 25 my life has always been better spent healing other’s pain. Unbeknownst to myself, this neglect simply allowed the agony buried in my abyss to bubble and boil until it gained the momentum to erupt like a furious volcano, and maim the one thing that I hold as my core…love.

The only way back to my own heart as I watch him leave with it, is to find that something I have never yet truly experienced, contentment. “Where do I begin with a lifetime of buried hurt?”

I’m terrified of what this year may hold but there is only one way to see the future, and that is to reach it. One tiny step, at a time.