The Year of Resolve not Resolutions!

Another year has come and gone. January 12th 2015 is upon us and I, I am still unfulfilled. Not completely, not irrevocably but unfulfilled nonetheless. I want this to be the year. The year I start my PHD and in turn my career in Literature. The year I take the chance and find the balance between a creative mind and a creative bank balance! The year I refuse to give in to the hum drum drone of in-between and forge on upon the unknown path of discovering who I am and who I am destined to be. The year I love my body as well as my mind. The year of nature, of poetry, of family, of recognising what is truly important in this transient life.

The year my love comes home..

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The Happiness Project…

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I’m sorry I’ve been gone a while. I always knew Christmas would be different, hard, without him. Can you believe it’s been six months on the 17th of January?! Already! But this year apart has turned in to a lot more than that. I got it so wrong, until now. His promise of return sat in the forefront of my mind accompanying every decision I made and every step I took. I even kept in contact with him, everyday snippets of love and support, not expectant of any response but yearning for one, sometimes received in the form of hope, other times anger, most times silence. I thought I could spend this year in denial still a part of his life, waiting out my own, but as I have slowly watched him move unconditionally supported and yet further away, and myself fall further down, I have realised that all I am gaining is less respect and personal limbo.

As the clock struck 12 on December 31st and we entered 2013 I sat with my family, half awaiting tears and reminiscence but instead feeling a rush of gratitude. I watched my loving parents, my nan and my favourite aunt quietly wish each other a “happy normal day” so as not to highlight the obvious and risk upsetting me and I smiled as I thought, this is what love REALLY is! I did cave the following day in the loneliness of the first day of a New Year without him and I tried to call, simply to wish him a good year. My attempt was met with a cold rejection as he cut off my call and spurred me into yet another moment of desperation, another one, but the LAST one, as I came out the other side and truly felt enough is enough..

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As I finally stepped back from the situation and accepted his leaving as eternal I saw so much that I had ignored in my struggle for his acceptance. I hadn’t heard him and all the others screaming what I was finally thinking, What about me?

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I know my strengths and my talents, I know of many things I like and yet never seem to take seriously. I know what I’m capable of and yet I can’t remember a time when I was happy in my achievement of them. I’ve just spent 6 months burying myself in someone else, and I have done exactly that all my life. I’m a fixer, I can fix anybody’s problems big or small and you can bet I’ll be there with them ’til the bitter end of their situations, but I never get round to my own. That is what this year must be about. Call it sensible or call it selfish but from the first to the last day of 2013 I am on a mission to help, myself!

It is time to record that album, to publish that book, to show the world that poetry, to travel, to learn and to find that all important guide whose strength and vitality alone will lead my every thought, feeling and action for the rest of my life… ME!

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Wish me luck! 😉 ❤

All These Missing Parts of Me…

Why is it that no matter how hard we try, we always seem to neglect some facet of our personality, or ignore a dream we have?

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I recently spent years entertaining the part of me that loves to dance and dress up and fall in love with the night, and yes some part of it made me feel exhilaration but of course when the morning comes you’re worn and lethargic and as a result don’t achieve much else. I eventually grew tired of the fickle nature of night life, the fickle friends and empty truths, and moved away to the country side, investing myself instead in perhaps my greatest passion, writing. I joined a writers group, gave seminars, worked on my poetry, started this blog, and yet as another year ends I still feel myself, searching. I am not whole.

One thing that stuck with me since I read Susan Jeffers Feel the fear.. was her concept of a life plan. She proposed that in order to feel fulfilled we must give equal precedence to every area of our lives, and, or personalities. Picture nine empty boxes and start to fill them with each aspect or aspiration of your life.

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Mine would be something like; 1. work 2. family 3. writing 4. music 5. hobbies 6. friends 7. gym 8. dance 9. French

Then you apply equal time and effort to each box and supposedly you will feel that elusive “wholeness.”  My problem thus far has been that I pick one aspect and railroad it “hell for leather” until I start to miss all the other parts of me. With the dawn of a New Year I’m going to set my first official life plan in motion and hopefully, finally, achieve all those neglected dreams as well as expand those I already chase.

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If you feel you never quite reach certain things you love or want to try, or simply can’t ignore that nagging feeling that you’re STILL searching…try it!?

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