I’m sorry I’ve been gone a while. I always knew Christmas would be different, hard, without him. Can you believe it’s been six months on the 17th of January?! Already! But this year apart has turned in to a lot more than that. I got it so wrong, until now. His promise of return sat in the forefront of my mind accompanying every decision I made and every step I took. I even kept in contact with him, everyday snippets of love and support, not expectant of any response but yearning for one, sometimes received in the form of hope, other times anger, most times silence. I thought I could spend this year in denial still a part of his life, waiting out my own, but as I have slowly watched him move unconditionally supported and yet further away, and myself fall further down, I have realised that all I am gaining is less respect and personal limbo.
As the clock struck 12 on December 31st and we entered 2013 I sat with my family, half awaiting tears and reminiscence but instead feeling a rush of gratitude. I watched my loving parents, my nan and my favourite aunt quietly wish each other a “happy normal day” so as not to highlight the obvious and risk upsetting me and I smiled as I thought, this is what love REALLY is! I did cave the following day in the loneliness of the first day of a New Year without him and I tried to call, simply to wish him a good year. My attempt was met with a cold rejection as he cut off my call and spurred me into yet another moment of desperation, another one, but the LAST one, as I came out the other side and truly felt enough is enough..
As I finally stepped back from the situation and accepted his leaving as eternal I saw so much that I had ignored in my struggle for his acceptance. I hadn’t heard him and all the others screaming what I was finally thinking, What about me?
I know my strengths and my talents, I know of many things I like and yet never seem to take seriously. I know what I’m capable of and yet I can’t remember a time when I was happy in my achievement of them. I’ve just spent 6 months burying myself in someone else, and I have done exactly that all my life. I’m a fixer, I can fix anybody’s problems big or small and you can bet I’ll be there with them ’til the bitter end of their situations, but I never get round to my own. That is what this year must be about. Call it sensible or call it selfish but from the first to the last day of 2013 I am on a mission to help, myself!
It is time to record that album, to publish that book, to show the world that poetry, to travel, to learn and to find that all important guide whose strength and vitality alone will lead my every thought, feeling and action for the rest of my life… ME!
Wish me luck! 😉 ❤