“The funny thing about forever, is it comes with a side of never, never.”

Image

I was dreaming of another world where words were true and hearts were truer. A time when all that was said was meant and all that was promised, became. This is not a place like that. Life is transient and flows like the river, ever rippling and changing with the currents of those we meet and lose. I lost him long before I knew, long before I cared to admit, but the miracle of our condition is that,

 

Image

love has a way of renewing your heart in an instant, giving it a purpose and longing so strong it seems as though it has never been broken. His renewal came before the pieces of my heart had reached the ground and my soul shook, quivered quiet in a corner as I learned of my loves transgression to unrequited…

Now I wish him love. I wish him joy and a deep resonating peace, one which he did not give me nor me him.

This is the point of no return as burning hearts refuse to be warned, and each of ours will burn with new love tonight. 

Image

As painful as this chapter of my life has been I am grateful for the gathered knowledge that no matter how excruciating, how nonsensical it seems in the moment, God’s plan is always right on track. I have been bruised and I have been broken and I have returned here with invigorated faith, we say goodbye to say hello

Image

Advertisements

How long is too long?

Image

I’m so confused today.. How long do you hold on to old love before it becomes unrequited? I’m not crying anymore, I’m finally living for more minutes in the day than I am existing, but I am not without my wounds. My heart was always so sure, so believing that time would heal us and a love like this would not, could not, be disintegrated by time distance or anything else. But my heart no longer feels safe in the knowledge of his. It feels like a lone soldier left alone to fight a war that all others have long left and given up the cause for. What if I am the only one still fighting? Letting new love pass me by in commitment to an old one that I may be the only one left feeling? How long is too long? And does believing simply make me a romantic fool or one of the last people left to stand by what is true to them? His words slowly became colder until there were none at all, my eyes have opened to the fact that our relationship was not without his flaws as well as mine, and yet I still can’t lose that last ounce of hope. 

Image

Hope, how do I begin again with a hope for something lost? How do I live my life in limbo between an imagined future and a real one? I’m single, over six months single, and yet the prospect of dating makes me feel like I’m tempting the fate of a future that I’m not even sure both parties needed, want! And what if I do give up? Let another who promises me the world show me it? Watch myself fall terrified back into co dependency. Waiting by the phone, being disappointed, giving all and receiving less, feeling my mood depend on how someone else treats me each day. Is that even possible? To love and love? To feel old love and new love coexist in a broken heart?

Image

A close friend told me the only way to ground yourself in this unforgiving world is to keep coming back to your “bottom line.” Bottom line, I want to find myself and achieve all I mentioned in the last post, I want my focus to be me. Will my heart catch on? Or are lines only possible in your head?

Image