Endings…

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” (Frank Herbert)

I got thinking today about the endings life gives us. The end of a century, the end of a year, the end of a relationship, the end of a life.

I recalled how after the ending and all its constituting grief and loss comes an in between state where the world begins to open up to us again and creativity revels in the expression of that loss.

Then how comes the new beginning. The yearned for start that seems to take all too long to come to pass when grief stricken. It feels like a whole new life, the rare conscious moment of turning a corner or taking a less travelled road at the proverbial fork in each of our lives paths.

Things happen that we didn’t expect, little joys emerge and life as we knew it becomes a life renewed. The wonderful thing is even if we don’t want to let go, even if we wish to disappear into the loss, nothing can stop life from renewing and joy from eventually piercing grief’s walls and re-entering our hearts.

Having lived the cycle time and time again the losses become easier as we are acutely equipped with experience and aware that life will go on no matter the gratitude of our emotional state at ground zero.

Knowledge becomes a gift, a comfort. A seed of wisdom that instils, inevitably, whatever the tide, we will be okay.

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The Year of Resolve not Resolutions!

Another year has come and gone. January 12th 2015 is upon us and I, I am still unfulfilled. Not completely, not irrevocably but unfulfilled nonetheless. I want this to be the year. The year I start my PHD and in turn my career in Literature. The year I take the chance and find the balance between a creative mind and a creative bank balance! The year I refuse to give in to the hum drum drone of in-between and forge on upon the unknown path of discovering who I am and who I am destined to be. The year I love my body as well as my mind. The year of nature, of poetry, of family, of recognising what is truly important in this transient life.

The year my love comes home..

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Before

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

It’s not just I this love first touches

But this city, this country, this Earth-

For God has blessed us with a purpose

To reveal real love’s rebirth.

I think of great men sent to change us

When the world has fallen down-

& conceive it is through their suffering,

That change is eventually found.

Devastating as this truth may be

Despairing we face the cost-

For you and I were sent to teach

A generation where love is lost.

Stronger than the mountain Ox,

Deeper than Mariana’s trench,

This love will cause the lost to flock

As their thirst for love is quenched.

I will always be beside you love

Through the struggle & the glory-

For I was created from your rib

To tell the world this story.

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

True Love Waits

I don’t really know where to start. How to begin…

My life has been a fairy tale for the past ten months. I have finally found that elusive “true love.” The love I had always believed existed, even when experience after experience tried to tell me otherwise. It is true, that when you find your Mr/ Ms “Right” everything falls into place with ease. There is no stress, no hurt, no hot and cold, no other girls or other guys or blurred lines, just you and your other half in a peaceful bliss that lasts from the moment you wake, to the minute you fall asleep in each others arms. It feels almost as if you’re living in a special bubble, saved for the extra lucky ones. As if you finally know the secret that so many are still trying to figure out, but just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life finds a way to paralyze you..

My love and I were separated on Monday for two years. Not by choice or for any positive reason, but rather purely down to injustice. It is day three of my two year stint without him and I feel lost, somewhere between devastation and survival instinct. How do you keep going when your happy normal life is snatched away? How do you persist when everything has changed so rapidly, so completely without your control, without hope.

I have so many fears.. what if the separation somehow undoes our bond? Is that possible, even if we love each other so completely? I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a black hole, facing into two years of loneliness and faded memories. I have heard and read about endless long distance relationships, contemplated the times when men went to war, or to work abroad, leaving their loved ones behind and some of those made it through. Some of them.

We both believe that we are meant for each other, and since I was a child I’ve heard the cliche that “love can conquer anything” is it really true? Please let it be true. I’ll never stop trying, not even if he comes back a changed man, because time does change us right? Or can love keep us the same?

My faith is dwindling with this newly awful experience… if there is a God, we need him now.

Funny, just as I finished the above last lines I searched for images to use in this post, with the term “true love.” The first one that appeared out of millions was this…

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Light at the End of the Tunnel!!!!

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They say that with experience comes understanding, with age comes grace. It’s been a tough year, a life changing one. I left my entire social net of friends and associates behind in search of a more positive lifestyle, removed myself effectively entirely from society for up to 8 months, in search of my “soul” as it were, and then faced more struggle as I fought to re-adjust. To bring the knowledge and inner peace I had found out into the cruel world and keep it safe from rat race realities and faces of the past. To stay true to my soulful self in a sensual society and keep my creativity thriving in a 9 to 5 prison… somehow, I think I did it!

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I always wondered what that elusive “happiness” felt like, never with a clue how to reach it, how to grasp it, how to keep it. This year I realised it grows from inner peace. Complete calm and satisfaction within, with who you are, how you are.. I had heard so many times before that happiness is an attitude and now I see this notion isn’t too far out of the ballpark.

I used to think I found happiness when I found love, and yes it’s true a degree of elation did course through me during relationships in my life, but they were fleeting and interchangeable with agony when the relationship didn’t withstand its flaws. Every flaw was like a knife in my heart when my smile relied on love. The funny thing is that when self-accepting and at peace everything feels so much easier, so much less flawed. It’s a sad beauty to know that perhaps if I had learnt this sooner so many flaws would not have hurt or even counted and in doing so led to so many heart wrenching endings. Love is no longer all of me, it is a precious part that brings joy and wonder, awe and delight and adds to, rather than consumes, my life. There are no low points! None of the old beliefs that love is some good moments mixed with lots of heartache, IT’S NOT! Every moment is wonderful!!

I’m finally back at work too, settled in to the office as if I never left and even here feels different. I manage to keep my heart grounded and keep my creative, artistic mind alive, no longer numbed by monotony, I have energy and joy at work and all of a sudden it IS possible to be both the administrator and the artist!

I feel so alive, I appreciate every minute, every hour, the sun feels joyous, the rain feels refreshing nothing can take away from the smiling self. I am rebuilt, strong AND gentle, tough AND emotional and I am ready for anything life brings my way. It’s been a tough year…but if I could go back, I wouldn’t change one thing about the journey that has brought me here. 🙂

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“Before us lies eternity; our souls are love, and a continual farewell.”

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It’s been one year since I started this blog. Apt that I began it on Valentines day and love seems to  have dominated its content for the past twelve months, but what about today, one year on, where am I? Who am I? I am numb. Removed from reality.. self destructive? I know there’s a world out there that I don’t suit. I see so many people there that can’t possibly grasp this complexity, me. All who come to me pass on, and all I touch seems to sit stagnant. Have you ever felt a fire in your heart? Blue hot flames in your mind and yet you are powerless to express them, to heat the world you know so desperately needs your warmth.

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All I thought I knew is changing, all I believed is breaking down with love and struggle. I no longer know black and white, blurred is wrong and right. I watch the shelter of my life fall to pieces as the earth spins faster still and my soul sits stunned. Where am I? Who am I?

 

All I know is love..

How long is too long?

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I’m so confused today.. How long do you hold on to old love before it becomes unrequited? I’m not crying anymore, I’m finally living for more minutes in the day than I am existing, but I am not without my wounds. My heart was always so sure, so believing that time would heal us and a love like this would not, could not, be disintegrated by time distance or anything else. But my heart no longer feels safe in the knowledge of his. It feels like a lone soldier left alone to fight a war that all others have long left and given up the cause for. What if I am the only one still fighting? Letting new love pass me by in commitment to an old one that I may be the only one left feeling? How long is too long? And does believing simply make me a romantic fool or one of the last people left to stand by what is true to them? His words slowly became colder until there were none at all, my eyes have opened to the fact that our relationship was not without his flaws as well as mine, and yet I still can’t lose that last ounce of hope. 

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Hope, how do I begin again with a hope for something lost? How do I live my life in limbo between an imagined future and a real one? I’m single, over six months single, and yet the prospect of dating makes me feel like I’m tempting the fate of a future that I’m not even sure both parties needed, want! And what if I do give up? Let another who promises me the world show me it? Watch myself fall terrified back into co dependency. Waiting by the phone, being disappointed, giving all and receiving less, feeling my mood depend on how someone else treats me each day. Is that even possible? To love and love? To feel old love and new love coexist in a broken heart?

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A close friend told me the only way to ground yourself in this unforgiving world is to keep coming back to your “bottom line.” Bottom line, I want to find myself and achieve all I mentioned in the last post, I want my focus to be me. Will my heart catch on? Or are lines only possible in your head?

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