I’m so confused today.. How long do you hold on to old love before it becomes unrequited? I’m not crying anymore, I’m finally living for more minutes in the day than I am existing, but I am not without my wounds. My heart was always so sure, so believing that time would heal us and a love like this would not, could not, be disintegrated by time distance or anything else. But my heart no longer feels safe in the knowledge of his. It feels like a lone soldier left alone to fight a war that all others have long left and given up the cause for. What if I am the only one still fighting? Letting new love pass me by in commitment to an old one that I may be the only one left feeling? How long is too long? And does believing simply make me a romantic fool or one of the last people left to stand by what is true to them? His words slowly became colder until there were none at all, my eyes have opened to the fact that our relationship was not without his flaws as well as mine, and yet I still can’t lose that last ounce of hope.
Hope, how do I begin again with a hope for something lost? How do I live my life in limbo between an imagined future and a real one? I’m single, over six months single, and yet the prospect of dating makes me feel like I’m tempting the fate of a future that I’m not even sure both parties needed, want! And what if I do give up? Let another who promises me the world show me it? Watch myself fall terrified back into co dependency. Waiting by the phone, being disappointed, giving all and receiving less, feeling my mood depend on how someone else treats me each day. Is that even possible? To love and love? To feel old love and new love coexist in a broken heart?
A close friend told me the only way to ground yourself in this unforgiving world is to keep coming back to your “bottom line.” Bottom line, I want to find myself and achieve all I mentioned in the last post, I want my focus to be me. Will my heart catch on? Or are lines only possible in your head?