The Year of Resolve not Resolutions!

Another year has come and gone. January 12th 2015 is upon us and I, I am still unfulfilled. Not completely, not irrevocably but unfulfilled nonetheless. I want this to be the year. The year I start my PHD and in turn my career in Literature. The year I take the chance and find the balance between a creative mind and a creative bank balance! The year I refuse to give in to the hum drum drone of in-between and forge on upon the unknown path of discovering who I am and who I am destined to be. The year I love my body as well as my mind. The year of nature, of poetry, of family, of recognising what is truly important in this transient life.

The year my love comes home..

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Keep my Creativity!!!!!

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I can’t remember the last time I wrote a poem… wrote anything for that matter. Why oh why as soon as I rejoin the rat race due to financial demands do I lose that which makes life magical MY CREATIVITY!!! I am on a mission this year to fight the mundane forces that drive me to a slow death of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep… and steal my will to express and exude all those colours I hold within.

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I’ve realised creativity really does take courage, courage to hold on to what makes your world brighter, and like all else worthwhile, courage to fight for its consistency in your life. Yes I’ll be tired tonight after the hour-long drive home from the busy office, I’ll cook, change in to comfy clothes, and probably slump into the nearest armchair with a hot, sweet cup of tea…but I’m bringing a pen and paper to that armchair too, if it kills me! Even if I fall asleep mid composition at least I’ll be creating, focusing for but a moment on more than heavy eyelids!

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In order to transcend traditional ideas as stated in the above, it seems one must first overcome tradition itself. The working man’s/woman’s tradition, the evening slump tradition, the “I’m too wrecked I’ll do it tomorrow” tradition. I have already lost years to the woe’s of tradition, routine ruts we fall into gladly and perish in without notice, until so much time has passed that we have missed our dreams. NO! Not this year!

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 I used to excuse myself with the well known phrase “I can only create when I’m miserable.” Ah, I’m happy, that must be why I’m not writing, ugh! waste! waste of precious time! What about those moments when a view takes your breath away, or a happening that brings a song or a poem or a painting to your mind instantaneously. I agree, creativity certainly does lie in chaos, but it also lies in peace, because it lies, with us.

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If you’re an artist and your struggling with the everyday, remember one vital quote that rings in my ears every time I fall off the creative grid… “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself!!!” (George Bernard Shaw)

Light at the End of the Tunnel!!!!

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They say that with experience comes understanding, with age comes grace. It’s been a tough year, a life changing one. I left my entire social net of friends and associates behind in search of a more positive lifestyle, removed myself effectively entirely from society for up to 8 months, in search of my “soul” as it were, and then faced more struggle as I fought to re-adjust. To bring the knowledge and inner peace I had found out into the cruel world and keep it safe from rat race realities and faces of the past. To stay true to my soulful self in a sensual society and keep my creativity thriving in a 9 to 5 prison… somehow, I think I did it!

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I always wondered what that elusive “happiness” felt like, never with a clue how to reach it, how to grasp it, how to keep it. This year I realised it grows from inner peace. Complete calm and satisfaction within, with who you are, how you are.. I had heard so many times before that happiness is an attitude and now I see this notion isn’t too far out of the ballpark.

I used to think I found happiness when I found love, and yes it’s true a degree of elation did course through me during relationships in my life, but they were fleeting and interchangeable with agony when the relationship didn’t withstand its flaws. Every flaw was like a knife in my heart when my smile relied on love. The funny thing is that when self-accepting and at peace everything feels so much easier, so much less flawed. It’s a sad beauty to know that perhaps if I had learnt this sooner so many flaws would not have hurt or even counted and in doing so led to so many heart wrenching endings. Love is no longer all of me, it is a precious part that brings joy and wonder, awe and delight and adds to, rather than consumes, my life. There are no low points! None of the old beliefs that love is some good moments mixed with lots of heartache, IT’S NOT! Every moment is wonderful!!

I’m finally back at work too, settled in to the office as if I never left and even here feels different. I manage to keep my heart grounded and keep my creative, artistic mind alive, no longer numbed by monotony, I have energy and joy at work and all of a sudden it IS possible to be both the administrator and the artist!

I feel so alive, I appreciate every minute, every hour, the sun feels joyous, the rain feels refreshing nothing can take away from the smiling self. I am rebuilt, strong AND gentle, tough AND emotional and I am ready for anything life brings my way. It’s been a tough year…but if I could go back, I wouldn’t change one thing about the journey that has brought me here. 🙂

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All These Missing Parts of Me…

Why is it that no matter how hard we try, we always seem to neglect some facet of our personality, or ignore a dream we have?

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I recently spent years entertaining the part of me that loves to dance and dress up and fall in love with the night, and yes some part of it made me feel exhilaration but of course when the morning comes you’re worn and lethargic and as a result don’t achieve much else. I eventually grew tired of the fickle nature of night life, the fickle friends and empty truths, and moved away to the country side, investing myself instead in perhaps my greatest passion, writing. I joined a writers group, gave seminars, worked on my poetry, started this blog, and yet as another year ends I still feel myself, searching. I am not whole.

One thing that stuck with me since I read Susan Jeffers Feel the fear.. was her concept of a life plan. She proposed that in order to feel fulfilled we must give equal precedence to every area of our lives, and, or personalities. Picture nine empty boxes and start to fill them with each aspect or aspiration of your life.

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Mine would be something like; 1. work 2. family 3. writing 4. music 5. hobbies 6. friends 7. gym 8. dance 9. French

Then you apply equal time and effort to each box and supposedly you will feel that elusive “wholeness.”  My problem thus far has been that I pick one aspect and railroad it “hell for leather” until I start to miss all the other parts of me. With the dawn of a New Year I’m going to set my first official life plan in motion and hopefully, finally, achieve all those neglected dreams as well as expand those I already chase.

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If you feel you never quite reach certain things you love or want to try, or simply can’t ignore that nagging feeling that you’re STILL searching…try it!?

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