Before

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

It’s not just I this love first touches

But this city, this country, this Earth-

For God has blessed us with a purpose

To reveal real love’s rebirth.

I think of great men sent to change us

When the world has fallen down-

& conceive it is through their suffering,

That change is eventually found.

Devastating as this truth may be

Despairing we face the cost-

For you and I were sent to teach

A generation where love is lost.

Stronger than the mountain Ox,

Deeper than Mariana’s trench,

This love will cause the lost to flock

As their thirst for love is quenched.

I will always be beside you love

Through the struggle & the glory-

For I was created from your rib

To tell the world this story.

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

Keep my Creativity!!!!!

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I can’t remember the last time I wrote a poem… wrote anything for that matter. Why oh why as soon as I rejoin the rat race due to financial demands do I lose that which makes life magical MY CREATIVITY!!! I am on a mission this year to fight the mundane forces that drive me to a slow death of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep… and steal my will to express and exude all those colours I hold within.

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I’ve realised creativity really does take courage, courage to hold on to what makes your world brighter, and like all else worthwhile, courage to fight for its consistency in your life. Yes I’ll be tired tonight after the hour-long drive home from the busy office, I’ll cook, change in to comfy clothes, and probably slump into the nearest armchair with a hot, sweet cup of tea…but I’m bringing a pen and paper to that armchair too, if it kills me! Even if I fall asleep mid composition at least I’ll be creating, focusing for but a moment on more than heavy eyelids!

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In order to transcend traditional ideas as stated in the above, it seems one must first overcome tradition itself. The working man’s/woman’s tradition, the evening slump tradition, the “I’m too wrecked I’ll do it tomorrow” tradition. I have already lost years to the woe’s of tradition, routine ruts we fall into gladly and perish in without notice, until so much time has passed that we have missed our dreams. NO! Not this year!

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 I used to excuse myself with the well known phrase “I can only create when I’m miserable.” Ah, I’m happy, that must be why I’m not writing, ugh! waste! waste of precious time! What about those moments when a view takes your breath away, or a happening that brings a song or a poem or a painting to your mind instantaneously. I agree, creativity certainly does lie in chaos, but it also lies in peace, because it lies, with us.

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If you’re an artist and your struggling with the everyday, remember one vital quote that rings in my ears every time I fall off the creative grid… “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself!!!” (George Bernard Shaw)

Light at the End of the Tunnel!!!!

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They say that with experience comes understanding, with age comes grace. It’s been a tough year, a life changing one. I left my entire social net of friends and associates behind in search of a more positive lifestyle, removed myself effectively entirely from society for up to 8 months, in search of my “soul” as it were, and then faced more struggle as I fought to re-adjust. To bring the knowledge and inner peace I had found out into the cruel world and keep it safe from rat race realities and faces of the past. To stay true to my soulful self in a sensual society and keep my creativity thriving in a 9 to 5 prison… somehow, I think I did it!

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I always wondered what that elusive “happiness” felt like, never with a clue how to reach it, how to grasp it, how to keep it. This year I realised it grows from inner peace. Complete calm and satisfaction within, with who you are, how you are.. I had heard so many times before that happiness is an attitude and now I see this notion isn’t too far out of the ballpark.

I used to think I found happiness when I found love, and yes it’s true a degree of elation did course through me during relationships in my life, but they were fleeting and interchangeable with agony when the relationship didn’t withstand its flaws. Every flaw was like a knife in my heart when my smile relied on love. The funny thing is that when self-accepting and at peace everything feels so much easier, so much less flawed. It’s a sad beauty to know that perhaps if I had learnt this sooner so many flaws would not have hurt or even counted and in doing so led to so many heart wrenching endings. Love is no longer all of me, it is a precious part that brings joy and wonder, awe and delight and adds to, rather than consumes, my life. There are no low points! None of the old beliefs that love is some good moments mixed with lots of heartache, IT’S NOT! Every moment is wonderful!!

I’m finally back at work too, settled in to the office as if I never left and even here feels different. I manage to keep my heart grounded and keep my creative, artistic mind alive, no longer numbed by monotony, I have energy and joy at work and all of a sudden it IS possible to be both the administrator and the artist!

I feel so alive, I appreciate every minute, every hour, the sun feels joyous, the rain feels refreshing nothing can take away from the smiling self. I am rebuilt, strong AND gentle, tough AND emotional and I am ready for anything life brings my way. It’s been a tough year…but if I could go back, I wouldn’t change one thing about the journey that has brought me here. 🙂

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“The funny thing about forever, is it comes with a side of never, never.”

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I was dreaming of another world where words were true and hearts were truer. A time when all that was said was meant and all that was promised, became. This is not a place like that. Life is transient and flows like the river, ever rippling and changing with the currents of those we meet and lose. I lost him long before I knew, long before I cared to admit, but the miracle of our condition is that,

 

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love has a way of renewing your heart in an instant, giving it a purpose and longing so strong it seems as though it has never been broken. His renewal came before the pieces of my heart had reached the ground and my soul shook, quivered quiet in a corner as I learned of my loves transgression to unrequited…

Now I wish him love. I wish him joy and a deep resonating peace, one which he did not give me nor me him.

This is the point of no return as burning hearts refuse to be warned, and each of ours will burn with new love tonight. 

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As painful as this chapter of my life has been I am grateful for the gathered knowledge that no matter how excruciating, how nonsensical it seems in the moment, God’s plan is always right on track. I have been bruised and I have been broken and I have returned here with invigorated faith, we say goodbye to say hello

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The Happiness Project…

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I’m sorry I’ve been gone a while. I always knew Christmas would be different, hard, without him. Can you believe it’s been six months on the 17th of January?! Already! But this year apart has turned in to a lot more than that. I got it so wrong, until now. His promise of return sat in the forefront of my mind accompanying every decision I made and every step I took. I even kept in contact with him, everyday snippets of love and support, not expectant of any response but yearning for one, sometimes received in the form of hope, other times anger, most times silence. I thought I could spend this year in denial still a part of his life, waiting out my own, but as I have slowly watched him move unconditionally supported and yet further away, and myself fall further down, I have realised that all I am gaining is less respect and personal limbo.

As the clock struck 12 on December 31st and we entered 2013 I sat with my family, half awaiting tears and reminiscence but instead feeling a rush of gratitude. I watched my loving parents, my nan and my favourite aunt quietly wish each other a “happy normal day” so as not to highlight the obvious and risk upsetting me and I smiled as I thought, this is what love REALLY is! I did cave the following day in the loneliness of the first day of a New Year without him and I tried to call, simply to wish him a good year. My attempt was met with a cold rejection as he cut off my call and spurred me into yet another moment of desperation, another one, but the LAST one, as I came out the other side and truly felt enough is enough..

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As I finally stepped back from the situation and accepted his leaving as eternal I saw so much that I had ignored in my struggle for his acceptance. I hadn’t heard him and all the others screaming what I was finally thinking, What about me?

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I know my strengths and my talents, I know of many things I like and yet never seem to take seriously. I know what I’m capable of and yet I can’t remember a time when I was happy in my achievement of them. I’ve just spent 6 months burying myself in someone else, and I have done exactly that all my life. I’m a fixer, I can fix anybody’s problems big or small and you can bet I’ll be there with them ’til the bitter end of their situations, but I never get round to my own. That is what this year must be about. Call it sensible or call it selfish but from the first to the last day of 2013 I am on a mission to help, myself!

It is time to record that album, to publish that book, to show the world that poetry, to travel, to learn and to find that all important guide whose strength and vitality alone will lead my every thought, feeling and action for the rest of my life… ME!

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Wish me luck! 😉 ❤