The Year of Resolve not Resolutions!

Another year has come and gone. January 12th 2015 is upon us and I, I am still unfulfilled. Not completely, not irrevocably but unfulfilled nonetheless. I want this to be the year. The year I start my PHD and in turn my career in Literature. The year I take the chance and find the balance between a creative mind and a creative bank balance! The year I refuse to give in to the hum drum drone of in-between and forge on upon the unknown path of discovering who I am and who I am destined to be. The year I love my body as well as my mind. The year of nature, of poetry, of family, of recognising what is truly important in this transient life.

The year my love comes home..

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When strangers become friends, and lovers become strangers again…

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Last night, by chance, I had to fleetingly reconnect with someone who once held my heart. It was strange to speak to each other as strangers would, as if he had never known my secrets or fears, and I his. It got me thinking about all the people who have passed through my life thus far. All the strangers that I have shared an integral part of my life and soul with, only for them to fall back in to the abyss of this large Earth and become strangers once more.

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As a species that supposedly need connection, how do we go from the above, to the below?

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I know there’s pain involved in many instances, yes, I remember that all too well, but others simply drift. Like the school friends we haven’t seen or heard of since we finished our exams, or the work colleague we had an incredible bond with, whose wonder we forgot when we moved to another job.

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..and what about THOSE friends. The crazy, sociable, bad for your future but great for right now friends, that somewhere a midst the madness showed glimpses of beauty and friendship that you will never forget..but you had to leave behind, for your sanity, and your personal progression.

I think the hardest part is “re-becoming” strangers. To look into the eyes of someone you once loved, or a person you once bared your heart to as your closest friend, and see a cold detachment that time and distance has created.

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If I could round up all the people from my past, those who taught me valuable lessons, those who supported me, and I them, in times of need, and those who simply brought pure joy to quiet days. I would thank them, and love them just as I did before. The funny thing is, even those partings that were less than amicable suddenly seem irrelevant in comparison to cherished memories, when enough time has passed.

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I saw the above quote online and understood its sadness, but I say, hold on to the good. Yes its true, “friends become strangers” but instead of focusing on their leaving, why not remember the unadulterated happiness those same people brought, when as strangers, if but for a moment in this transient life, they became friends.

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“Before us lies eternity; our souls are love, and a continual farewell.”

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It’s been one year since I started this blog. Apt that I began it on Valentines day and love seems to  have dominated its content for the past twelve months, but what about today, one year on, where am I? Who am I? I am numb. Removed from reality.. self destructive? I know there’s a world out there that I don’t suit. I see so many people there that can’t possibly grasp this complexity, me. All who come to me pass on, and all I touch seems to sit stagnant. Have you ever felt a fire in your heart? Blue hot flames in your mind and yet you are powerless to express them, to heat the world you know so desperately needs your warmth.

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All I thought I knew is changing, all I believed is breaking down with love and struggle. I no longer know black and white, blurred is wrong and right. I watch the shelter of my life fall to pieces as the earth spins faster still and my soul sits stunned. Where am I? Who am I?

 

All I know is love..

All These Missing Parts of Me…

Why is it that no matter how hard we try, we always seem to neglect some facet of our personality, or ignore a dream we have?

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I recently spent years entertaining the part of me that loves to dance and dress up and fall in love with the night, and yes some part of it made me feel exhilaration but of course when the morning comes you’re worn and lethargic and as a result don’t achieve much else. I eventually grew tired of the fickle nature of night life, the fickle friends and empty truths, and moved away to the country side, investing myself instead in perhaps my greatest passion, writing. I joined a writers group, gave seminars, worked on my poetry, started this blog, and yet as another year ends I still feel myself, searching. I am not whole.

One thing that stuck with me since I read Susan Jeffers Feel the fear.. was her concept of a life plan. She proposed that in order to feel fulfilled we must give equal precedence to every area of our lives, and, or personalities. Picture nine empty boxes and start to fill them with each aspect or aspiration of your life.

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Mine would be something like; 1. work 2. family 3. writing 4. music 5. hobbies 6. friends 7. gym 8. dance 9. French

Then you apply equal time and effort to each box and supposedly you will feel that elusive “wholeness.”  My problem thus far has been that I pick one aspect and railroad it “hell for leather” until I start to miss all the other parts of me. With the dawn of a New Year I’m going to set my first official life plan in motion and hopefully, finally, achieve all those neglected dreams as well as expand those I already chase.

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If you feel you never quite reach certain things you love or want to try, or simply can’t ignore that nagging feeling that you’re STILL searching…try it!?

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