The Year of Resolve not Resolutions!

Another year has come and gone. January 12th 2015 is upon us and I, I am still unfulfilled. Not completely, not irrevocably but unfulfilled nonetheless. I want this to be the year. The year I start my PHD and in turn my career in Literature. The year I take the chance and find the balance between a creative mind and a creative bank balance! The year I refuse to give in to the hum drum drone of in-between and forge on upon the unknown path of discovering who I am and who I am destined to be. The year I love my body as well as my mind. The year of nature, of poetry, of family, of recognising what is truly important in this transient life.

The year my love comes home..

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Before

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

It’s not just I this love first touches

But this city, this country, this Earth-

For God has blessed us with a purpose

To reveal real love’s rebirth.

I think of great men sent to change us

When the world has fallen down-

& conceive it is through their suffering,

That change is eventually found.

Devastating as this truth may be

Despairing we face the cost-

For you and I were sent to teach

A generation where love is lost.

Stronger than the mountain Ox,

Deeper than Mariana’s trench,

This love will cause the lost to flock

As their thirst for love is quenched.

I will always be beside you love

Through the struggle & the glory-

For I was created from your rib

To tell the world this story.

You asked if I’d felt this way before,

My heart laughed at the thought-

For your sweet mind was mad to try

& imagine this love born twice.

True Love Waits

I don’t really know where to start. How to begin…

My life has been a fairy tale for the past ten months. I have finally found that elusive “true love.” The love I had always believed existed, even when experience after experience tried to tell me otherwise. It is true, that when you find your Mr/ Ms “Right” everything falls into place with ease. There is no stress, no hurt, no hot and cold, no other girls or other guys or blurred lines, just you and your other half in a peaceful bliss that lasts from the moment you wake, to the minute you fall asleep in each others arms. It feels almost as if you’re living in a special bubble, saved for the extra lucky ones. As if you finally know the secret that so many are still trying to figure out, but just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life finds a way to paralyze you..

My love and I were separated on Monday for two years. Not by choice or for any positive reason, but rather purely down to injustice. It is day three of my two year stint without him and I feel lost, somewhere between devastation and survival instinct. How do you keep going when your happy normal life is snatched away? How do you persist when everything has changed so rapidly, so completely without your control, without hope.

I have so many fears.. what if the separation somehow undoes our bond? Is that possible, even if we love each other so completely? I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a black hole, facing into two years of loneliness and faded memories. I have heard and read about endless long distance relationships, contemplated the times when men went to war, or to work abroad, leaving their loved ones behind and some of those made it through. Some of them.

We both believe that we are meant for each other, and since I was a child I’ve heard the cliche that “love can conquer anything” is it really true? Please let it be true. I’ll never stop trying, not even if he comes back a changed man, because time does change us right? Or can love keep us the same?

My faith is dwindling with this newly awful experience… if there is a God, we need him now.

Funny, just as I finished the above last lines I searched for images to use in this post, with the term “true love.” The first one that appeared out of millions was this…

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When strangers become friends, and lovers become strangers again…

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Last night, by chance, I had to fleetingly reconnect with someone who once held my heart. It was strange to speak to each other as strangers would, as if he had never known my secrets or fears, and I his. It got me thinking about all the people who have passed through my life thus far. All the strangers that I have shared an integral part of my life and soul with, only for them to fall back in to the abyss of this large Earth and become strangers once more.

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As a species that supposedly need connection, how do we go from the above, to the below?

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I know there’s pain involved in many instances, yes, I remember that all too well, but others simply drift. Like the school friends we haven’t seen or heard of since we finished our exams, or the work colleague we had an incredible bond with, whose wonder we forgot when we moved to another job.

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..and what about THOSE friends. The crazy, sociable, bad for your future but great for right now friends, that somewhere a midst the madness showed glimpses of beauty and friendship that you will never forget..but you had to leave behind, for your sanity, and your personal progression.

I think the hardest part is “re-becoming” strangers. To look into the eyes of someone you once loved, or a person you once bared your heart to as your closest friend, and see a cold detachment that time and distance has created.

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If I could round up all the people from my past, those who taught me valuable lessons, those who supported me, and I them, in times of need, and those who simply brought pure joy to quiet days. I would thank them, and love them just as I did before. The funny thing is, even those partings that were less than amicable suddenly seem irrelevant in comparison to cherished memories, when enough time has passed.

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I saw the above quote online and understood its sadness, but I say, hold on to the good. Yes its true, “friends become strangers” but instead of focusing on their leaving, why not remember the unadulterated happiness those same people brought, when as strangers, if but for a moment in this transient life, they became friends.

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Keep my Creativity!!!!!

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I can’t remember the last time I wrote a poem… wrote anything for that matter. Why oh why as soon as I rejoin the rat race due to financial demands do I lose that which makes life magical MY CREATIVITY!!! I am on a mission this year to fight the mundane forces that drive me to a slow death of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep… and steal my will to express and exude all those colours I hold within.

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I’ve realised creativity really does take courage, courage to hold on to what makes your world brighter, and like all else worthwhile, courage to fight for its consistency in your life. Yes I’ll be tired tonight after the hour-long drive home from the busy office, I’ll cook, change in to comfy clothes, and probably slump into the nearest armchair with a hot, sweet cup of tea…but I’m bringing a pen and paper to that armchair too, if it kills me! Even if I fall asleep mid composition at least I’ll be creating, focusing for but a moment on more than heavy eyelids!

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In order to transcend traditional ideas as stated in the above, it seems one must first overcome tradition itself. The working man’s/woman’s tradition, the evening slump tradition, the “I’m too wrecked I’ll do it tomorrow” tradition. I have already lost years to the woe’s of tradition, routine ruts we fall into gladly and perish in without notice, until so much time has passed that we have missed our dreams. NO! Not this year!

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 I used to excuse myself with the well known phrase “I can only create when I’m miserable.” Ah, I’m happy, that must be why I’m not writing, ugh! waste! waste of precious time! What about those moments when a view takes your breath away, or a happening that brings a song or a poem or a painting to your mind instantaneously. I agree, creativity certainly does lie in chaos, but it also lies in peace, because it lies, with us.

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If you’re an artist and you’re struggling with the everyday, remember one vital quote that rings in my ears every time I fall off the creative grid… “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself!!!” (George Bernard Shaw)