It’s been two months since he left and I feel no less “in love.” My stomach heaves at the sight of every morning sun, my eyes open groggy and sore still weeping with last nights tears, and a residing ache sits deep in my chest… where my heart used to be.
Yesterday we met. As I opened the door to his beautiful face and we stood eye to burning eye neither of us could help but smile, there it was, the golden chord of love, still taught between us. He came in and we embraced unable to ignore our screaming hearts, tears escaped the depth of me and flooded my face, so much feeling to express, to give, in one moment.
I am a poet at heart, hyper sensitive, prone to deep depressions and all too gullible to life’s cruelties. This, of course, has created much trauma in our relationship to date. For almost four years, he has battled my self doubt, even rebelled against it becoming distant only to fuel the fire more, and returned full circle to selfless love again. We have both made mistakes but my strong heart meant his caused more pain than they should and my descent into paranoia and lack of self worth exploded in an array of self destructive behaviour.
With this in mind, as we sat hand in hand he told me of his inability to go through anymore pain, he assured me he loves me as I do him. A love so transcendental or obsessive that it defies mere logic or reason, a love that before this moment had withstood more than most (if any) could handle, but one that was plagued by unresolved personal issues.
As I despaired that he had cut the chord for good and our love had finally failed us, he explained that he was not gone but healing. That in order to reach the great future and beautiful plans we both envision be it together or apart, there is left only one route, personal development. We have all heard the expression “you must love yourself before you can love another” and for me this has always been nonsensical. I DO love another and I have never focused on myself. At 25 my life has always been better spent healing other’s pain. Unbeknownst to myself, this neglect simply allowed the agony buried in my abyss to bubble and boil until it gained the momentum to erupt like a furious volcano, and maim the one thing that I hold as my core…love.
The only way back to my own heart as I watch him leave with it, is to find that something I have never yet truly experienced, contentment. “Where do I begin with a lifetime of buried hurt?”
I’m terrified of what this year may hold but there is only one way to see the future, and that is to reach it. One tiny step, at a time.
KimberleyMurray 